The first medal ever awarded for imagined heroism.
The Pentagon, took time away from their very busy schedule of planning large U.S. military parades to appease one man in the entire universe, to come up with a new, coveted, award for conceptual bravery.
A terrified Pentagon official, General Warren Peese, — released this recorded statement:
“After… much debate,… oh, dear lord… we… at the Pentagon, have come up with a… medal, for conceptual bravery… um, excuse me a blood vessel just popped in my eye,… I’m literally seeing red… I’ll be fine in a moment…
okay, so, we’ve taken resources away from planning a giant military parade for one… to devote time… to coming up with this… medal, honoring… sigh… imagined bravery. This medal is to be awarded to imagined, or conceptual, bravery, days, or weeks after a danger has passed…. Also, — OH MY GOD, SUPERMAN IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE HELP US! WE CAN’T CONTROL THIS MANIAC, HE… oomph… no, get your hands off me, damn you… no! We need to… (thud)”
Inspiring words, indeed.
So, Donald J. Trump, due to his heroically running into a school shooting, unarmed, just mere days after the shooting occurred, but without physically, actually, going there, will be the very first recipient of The Congressional Award For Theoretical Bravery.
There, of course, will be a gala event, where Trump will have his awarded medal ceremonially bequeathed to him, amidst a mega-fireworks display, a planned elegant soiree, and a USAF Aerial Show, at a cost of approximately $1,743,000 taxpayer dollars.
Melania Trump will sadly be unable to attend due to a previous commitment, and Melania Trump’s hired body double, is also unable to attend.
Trump is now planning other heroic interventions into past events, where he intends to run unarmed into the shootings at Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook, the Sutherland Springs, Texas shooting at First Baptist Church, and, the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando.
“I know I originally said I would look into placing restrictions on selling military-grade weapons of war to the most violent people amongst us with a history of mental illness, and also, to children,… but it turns out, that after speaking to the NRA, they don’t like any of those ideas, so we’re now just going with arming teachers. I’m sure that it will work out just fine even though it’s the absolute silliest idea we could ever possibly come up with, and if any of those teachers have the kinds of nervous breakdowns most teachers experience 137 times per day, I’ll definitely run into their shooting sprees too, mentally, and within just two to three days of them occurring. These medals aren’t going to win themselves, you know…”
Written by Steven W. Rouach
Original article here.